“To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the ‘music,’ but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow our mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning.” Peter Senge

The practice continues>>> With each and every person with whom you speak, bring your deepest and most respectful quality of listening.

Deep listening depends on the extent to which we are present.
To really listen deeply, we have to be right here.
As if we were zooming in the focus of our attention onto the speaker and the rest of the world fades into the background.
We are listening with our ears and more.

Here are several major challenges we face to deep listening:

1. focus: losing focus on the speaker, drifting off
2. judgment: attention going to our internal commentary and evaluation of what the speaker is saying
3. rehearsal: working on our next comment/rebuttal rather than listening

What are you learning about your primary barriers to deep listening?
What gets in the way?
Do you tend to have an easier or more difficult time listening to certain people than others?
As you go about your listening practice, reflect on what you are learning about yourself and deep listening.

Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.

I recently posted about Virgina Representative Virgil H. Goode Jr.’s comments warning that the election of the first Muslim to Congress posed a threat to the nation’s traditional values. I also posted a follow up comment with a further musing on the relevant conditions of why this hate speech is allowed in the US and not in Canada. Well the plot has thickened…

I have been using a great service called Newscloud, to call out news stories I find of particular interest. You see the feed from that service on my blog under She newses. Today I went to my newscloud journal and noticed that someone had commented on the “Muslims pose threat” story and left racist remarks supporting the congressman’s statements. Next step, email my friend Jeff, Newscloud founder, and inquire what we should do about this. Should he delete the comment, do I respond, do I remove the story from my feed so the comment doesn’t show up in my journal space? What to do?

I don’t believe anyone has a right to publish racist hate speech. In Canada, it is illegal. You can potentially go to jail. Here’s the deal…

In the U.S., a person cannot legally yell “fire” in a crowded movie theatre. But they are free to say just about anything else without danger of criminal prosecution. For example, a conservative Christian teleminister in the early 1990s advocated the execution of all Wiccans in the U.S. More recently, a Baptist pastor from Texas advocated that the U.S. army round up Wiccans and burn them alive with napalm. Both clergy were immune from prosecution due to the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment which guarantees almost complete freedom of speech in the country.

Canadians do not have this degree of freedom of speech. Legislation in Canada follows the British tradition, as do laws in Australia and New Zealand and some other former colonies. In particular, citizens are not allowed to incite or promote hatred, advocate genocide or actually commit genocide against certain specified groups.

Who can be convicted?

1. If it can be shown that the speech was so abusive that it was likely to incite listeners or readers into violent action against an identifiable group, and if the the speech was made in a public place, then a person could be convicted.
2. If the speech promoted hatred against an identifiable group, but was not likely to incite a listener to violence, then a person could still be convicted. However there are many safeguards that could give that person immunity. A person could not be convicted if:
*The hate speech was expressed during a private conversation.
* If the person can establish that the statements made are true.
* If, “in good faith, he expressed or attempted to establish by argument an opinion on a religious subject.” This would give clergypersons immunity from conviction for a hate-based sermon, for example.
* If the statements were relevant to any subject of public interest, and if, on reasonable grounds, the person believed them to be true. This would give additional protection for the clergy.
* If he described material that might generate feelings of hatred for an identifiable group “for the purpose of removal” of that hatred.
* If the provincial Attorney General refused to give permission. The Attorney General’s consent is required before charges can be laid.

In this section of the Code, the term “statements” includes spoken words, written words, published text, gestures, signs and other visible representations.

The Code permits up to two years in prison for anyone convicted of a hate crime. It permits the government to confiscate any literature that was used in conjunction with the hate speech.

Should we be allowed to hate? What do you think?

“Courage, my friends; ’tis not too late to build a better world.”
Tommy Douglas
Father of Universal Health Care
Voted Greatest Canadian of All Times

My visiting Grandmother had emergency abdominal surgery on Christmas day in Peace Arch Hospital in my hometown of White Rock, BC. She is recovering well. Our experience of the Canadian health care system has been remarkable. Some highlights…

Phase 1:
My Mom took my Grandma to a walk-in clinic because she was extremely weak and had been experiencing symptoms of an extreme stomach flu, she hadn’t eaten in days. Except me, my entire nuclear family was stricken by the stomach flu last week. The doctor was concerned about dehydration and my grandmother’s blood pressure was dangerously low. He immediately prepared the paperwork to fast track her through emergency and into hospital care.

Phase 2:
When they arrived at the hospital, my Grandma was immediately hooked up to IV and a blood pressure monitor. She received a battery of tests to determine the source of her grave health. The next morning (Christmas) she was feeling better, her colour was back and her blood pressure had improved. Naturally, she wanted to come home to my Mom’s for Christmas and assumed it was just the flu. Left to her own devices, she would have left. The staff insisted she not jump to conclusions and that she allow them to care for her through further investigation.

The medical staff, not satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the issue, ordered an MRI scan on her abdomen. The scan was done almost immediately and the results came back 30 minutes later. There was clearly something seriously wrong but the shadows were not conclusive. The warnings were delivered, the paperwork was signed, my Grandmother was in surgery within an hour.

Surgery uncovered that the lining of her bowel was in grave danger of perforating, potentially fatal for a woman of 85. Mysteriously, there were two dead areas of tissue in the lower intestine and the colon that had to be removed and the areas reattached. The cause is uncertain. My Grandmother lost little blood and came through the surgery well. She was back to her usual self today, visiting up a storm and quite feisty. Projections are she will be recovering in the hospital for about a week. The pathology results will provide more answers.

There is a good chance my Grandma would have died had she not been visiting us. She lives on her own in a small farming town and likely would not have gotten immediate care. Her local hospital does not have surgical services. We are so grateful that the medical staff were assertive and caught this when they did and her bowel was not left to perforate. If not death, certainly her quality of life would have been greatly impacted.

Some things to ponder:

* Never once has my Grandmother or my family considered the cost of any of this care. As a Canadian citizen, she has free access to quality health care. As a result, the health care practitioners were able to focus their attention on the best possible care for the patient. They are not asked to consider what she can afford, but rather, what is in her best interest. Our family was able to focus on how best to support my Grandmother and each other as we faced her potential passing, NOT, on how we would pay for her procedures.

* My Grandma didn’t have her Saskatchewan medical card information with her and has yet to provide it. She was admitted on her word and no one has brought it up since. They trust we will provide it when the dust settles.

* There are approx. 10 walk-in medical clinics within a 5km radius of my parent’s house. It doesn’t matter which you go to, it’s your preference. The hospital is chosen based on convenience of location and specialty, usually by the patient. My Grandma is in hospital 5 minutes from my parent’s home.

* The Dr. from the walk-in clinic chose to come in and see my Grandmother the next morning (Christmas day) to check in on her. As she is from out of province she is considered an orphan patient. He adopted her. He also chose to observe her surgery.

* The surgeon, coming in on call on Christmas, never hesitated and was diligent about ordering the MRI and immediately scheduling surgery. He sensed something was wrong and was not taking any chances with my Grandmother’s health.

My Grandmother’s life continues to be treated as precious and worthy of the utmost respect and care. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

This is an inspiring example of what is possible through universal health care in Canada. May we find the courage to fight for it’s preservation and stand as a clear example of hope and possibility for other nations.

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce

The practice continues>>> With each and every person with whom you speak, bring your deepest and most respectful quality of listening.

Encouragers are brief words or gestures that let the speaker know you are present, listening & want to hear more:

* hmmm * Oh? * Really? * And?
* Then what? * Go on * I see * Right
* Ah ha * Ah! * Tell me more * Yes

The encouragers may also be non-verbal, such as nodding, smiling, leaning forward.

Encouragers build rapport. While we tend to do this naturally, bring special attention to these non-verbal encouragers. Be aware of and practice your own use, while also noticing how others use (or don’t use) them effectively.

Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.

My dear friend Sarah sent me a skype im saying I had been hit with a meme and that I am now required to share 5 things on my blog that folks may not know about me. First reaction…. argh…. although I’ve mellowed considerably “have tos” have always been a trigger. It did get me thinking… so here goes…

1) I am the first generation of the Tonita (originally Badea) family to NOT be raised on a farm/ranch. I am very connected to my ancestors and to the land in Southwestern Saskatchewan. I am forever grateful for their courage and hard work.

2) My extra curricular activities as a kid were ballet (tomboy ballerina) and competitive swimming. Competitive swimming was the breeding ground for my desire to be faster and stronger than boys. At 12, I was. Sensing this, my male sporting crew (snowboarding and mountain biking) now take artful pleasure in kicking my ass.

3) I was a bad ass teenager (White Rock style), not well camouflaged as a pretty, smart, suburban, high schooler. I had serious attitude directed at what I considered “hypocritical authority.” Never one to back down I was often found challenging authority whenever the opportunity presented itself or even when it didn’t. If something wasn’t working (was unjust!), I let people know and I fought it, hard. That attitude was combined with a dangerous lack of fear resulting in many a high stakes adventure/nightmare. My friends and family are full of Tonita stories… ‘borrowing’ my parents vehicle at 14… reckless high speed driving and crashing… hiding dolls in my bed to make it look like I was there… jumping out of windows and off roofs… running away for long stretches… living with friends whose parents would take me in… older boyfriends with cars… epic battles with teachers (only the hypocrites of course)… masterful manipulation of the educational system to suit my schedule and priorities until it all went bad… and so on. serious yikes! I had stuff to work through. Powered through a lot early.

4) Over the years, there have been some sweetly mad (and some embarrassing) musician crushes. Here’s a sample. I’ll let you guess the era they belong to… Madonna, Michael Franti, Eddie Vedder, Tracey Chapman, John Taylor, Kinnie Starr.

5) I didn’t grow up in a household where food preparation or consumption was prioritized (no disrespect to my loving parents ~ever~ intended). As an adult (which at 34 I am sort of beginning to embrace!), I am learning how to nurture myself and others. It’s heart opening. It’s my focus for this next year. Come on over and share a meal.

Alright, I am not going to give the gift that keeps on giving. The meme tagging stops here. However, if you are so inspired… if you choose to… write to your blog or please do share in the comments something we may not know about you!!!

Needless to say, deep listening is absolutely as valuable in our personal relationships, as in our leadership.

“Every person in this life has something to teach me — and as soon
as I accept that, I open myself to truly listening.”
Catherine Doucette

We listen deeply, and do this practice, not only to be a nice person, not only to make others feel good, etc.

We listen reverently and with curiosity because we open the door to a world of wonder, a world filled with learning.

If we’re honest, we discover that we very often make instant judgments about people, about the value of what someone is saying, and often heighten or turn off our attention accordingly.

Let’s leave aside questions of respect or kindness for a moment.
Our judgments are often incorrect and self-limiting.
We don’t know the potential value of what someone is saying.
Only by really listening openly…by patiently allowing their words and life experiences to sit in the untilled soil of our heart/mind and germinate… will we ever know what might have been learned.

Our teachers are all around us.
But we daily deny ourselves the benefit of their wisdom by not listening.
Admit yourself to the real higher education,
The University of Life.
By opening your ears…
And opening your mind…
And by deeply listening…

Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. C. Everett Koop

First off, I’m not a parent… I’m an auntie. It is a role that I cherish. I’m the kind of wacky auntie that loves to play, read, rap, dance, giggle and snuggle. Although the auntie antics are light I take the act of child raising very seriously. In my theory of change, this is it. This is the big one. As a parent or as a part of a child’s extended community, this is perhaps the single greatest act of transformational change we can offer to the world.

For only as we ourselves, as adults, actually move and have our being in the state of love, can we be appropriate models and guides for our children. What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.
Doc Lew Childre

I am very fortunate to have many role models in my life that exemplify this practice. Further, I am literally surrounded by committed, heartfully engaged, full on parenting fathers. Yes, that’s right. Fathers, in the most beautiful sense of the word.

Josh, Dean, Steve, Dave, Sean, Gideon, Drew, Matt, Dad… I’m calling you out. You rock my world.

These men have stellar partners. They are high grade mothers. I imagine this is where their inspiration comes from. Their commitment feeding one another. When one is down the other steps in.

For me, it is a gift to work in an organization where shop talk offers an opportunity to share parenting stories and provide support to the shared engaged fathering experience. The continuous flow of staff emails calling out changes in work schedules to serve family responsibilities inspire me. This is social change in the making.

As this year ends… I want to send a big shout out to all of you amazing parents and your communities of support. You are making real change happen in this world. Know that the respect and love you are modeling in your intimate relationships is work of the highest order. Ultimately, it’s all that really matters. Thank you.

Footnote: Most read parenting book in the ONE/Northwest office this year, Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

Congressman Criticizes Election of Muslim

In a letter sent to hundreds of voters this month, Representative Virgil H. Goode Jr., Republican of Virginia, warned that the recent election of the first Muslim to Congress posed a serious threat to the nation’s traditional values.

In his letter, which was dated Dec. 5, Mr. Goode said that Americans needed to “wake up” or else there would “likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

Is it really possible to make these statements, more over to publish them from an elected office without consequence? The Canadian in me can’t grok this…

Since beginning my fabulous job at ONE/Northwest in 2004, I have spent a great deal of time south of the 49th parallel. I have become really interested in the differences between the political systems and race relations in Canada and the US.

In a recent article in the Globe and Mail, it was mentioned that our Conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper took a moment to address recent controversial remarks from British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has said immigrants have a duty to integrate into British society. Mr. Harper said that the Canadian approach has led to the country being recognized as a model for the world.

“We haven’t attempted historically to impose cultural norms on newcomers,” he said. “The irony is we don’t have policies of enforced integration and the integration is better.”

Stephen Harper is the leader of the Conservative Party, our most right leaning party. Even he ~sort of~ gets it. He has kept his party together by ensuring that none of the radicals are empowered to rant. He is keenly aware of the public backlash that would result. Canadians don’t like mean racist people. It’s just plain bad politics.

On this day, the darkest of the season… may we let go of what divides us and embrace the coming light. The light of love and tolerance.

“I look forward confidently to the day when all who work for a living will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions. This will be the day when we bring into full realization the American dream — a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men will not argue that the color of a man’s skin determines the content of his character; a dream of a nation where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone, but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of the human personality.”
Martin Luther King

“An essential part of true listening is the temporary giving up or setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires, so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will feel more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again.”
M. Scott Peck, MD, The Road Less Traveled

One of the greatest barriers to deep listening is our own constantly judging mind. We often keep a running commentary of what the other is saying, sorting everything according to our own beliefs and opinions:
“I agree with that.”
“No, that’s not right.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Good idea!
“It’s not like that.”
‘Well, the way I see it is…”

What is it like to listen without judgment?
To simply listen.
To allow ourselves to experience life as does the other…
Through their frame of reference.
To turn off the commentator.
To relax the judge.
And to simply listen.
With an open, innocent mind.
For most of us, this is a huge…and wonderful challenge.

Practice>>> Choose three conversations to practice listening with this depth. Devote the highest and deepest quality of your attention, experiment with listening without judgment.

Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.

Miss USA Agrees to Rehab to Preserve Reign
He characterized her choices as “very, very bad.” But in the end Donald J. Trump magnanimously announced today that he would give a second chance to Miss USA, Tara Conner, the beauty pageant winner who has been the subject of numerous published reports of alcohol and drug use and wild partying.

So much comes up for me around this. Here are some highlights:

1) The mere existence of this story as a headline in the New York Times and the Globe and Mail
2) That Donald Trump is the co-owner of the Miss USA Organization. Who knew?!?
3) The concept that he owns the right to pass moral judgments on a woman’s character on an international stage.
“In the case of Tara, she made some very, very bad choices, some foolish choices,” said Mr. Trump.
4) That a man of great power and privilege owns an organization of young, beautiful women (new potential dates) and has the power to control their destiny.
“She has agreed to go into rehab; she knows that if she makes even the slightest mistake from here on, she will be immediately replaced,” he said.
Turning to Trump, she said, “You’ll never know what this means to me, and I swear I will not let you down.”
5) That Miss Connor has been participating in Beauty Pageants since she was 4 years old, she’s been raised for this position.
“I have wanted this since I was 13 years old,” she said.
6) That the US has a ridiculously hypocritical relationship with alcohol. That this woman is being publicly humiliated for drinking under age. The woman just turned 21 and has been going to bars. This is not unusual or wild behaviour in US society. The cultural norm is clear yet this woman is expected to own this behaviour as her own personal demon.
Ms. Conner acknowledged drinking alcohol while under the legal age, but said that it would be “pushing” it to say that she had a drinking problem. “I would not say that I am an alcoholic,” she said, though at times, she said, she was unable to resist drinks offered free to her. “We all have personal demons that we all have to face at some time or another,” she said.
7) That the response to the situation is a stint in rehab. For what? What kind of rehab treats people without addiction issues? What are they trying to cure?
“Tara is going to be the great comeback kid,” he later added.

How does this sit with you? Is this a trigger for anyone else out there?

This episode serves as a reminder to me. A reminder that patriarchy is alive and well in our North American society. Beyond that, I offer that there is a perceived risk in even using words like patriarchy. We are clearly still in process. A big shout out of love and appreciation to the amazing men and women who are creating the new path.

“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
Gloria Steinem

Footnote: I have been occasionally linking out to Wikipedia. I noticed that Alternet published an article on the gender balance of wikipedia contributors.