She muses

Contracts and agreement fields are also at play in our personal relationships. Usually “negotiated” over time without direct conversation or overt acknowledgment, they nonetheless can assist in creating social and interpersonal ease and satisfaction. We hopefully understand what to expect of others and what is expected of us in our interactions.

Some examples:

1. with person A, a really close and intimate friend, the unstated contract might “read”:
* We talk on the phone at least once a week
* We both take responsibility for initiating these calls
* We keep each other up to date on all the important events in
our lives
* We include each other in life passages like birthdays and holidays
* We trust each other implicitly and count on each others’ support
* We bring to each other our most intimate concerns
* If we have issues or difficulties with each other, we bring them directly to each other

2. With a more casual friend, the unspoken contract might be something like:
* We usually see each other once every month or two… a movie, a walk, a cup of tea
* We talk about our lives, but don’t necessarily open up our deepest vulnerabilities
* We don’t have expectations of each other beyond this, and no clear intention to develop more

We build relational agreement fields out of inferences that we make from the signals and behavior of the other. Rarely discussed, we usually don’t think about these expectations unless there is suddenly behavior that contradicts or violates the norms.

For example, I failed to contact a friend of mine about the birth of our grandson. He’s someone to whom I have been fairly close over the years, but I don’t hold the relationship with the same expectations as the example of person “A” above. Three weeks after the birth, my friend called me feeling hurt because he had heard about the birth from someone else rather than receiving a call or e-mail from me.

In his understanding of our “contract,” I had not treated him like he expected of a “good friend.” I love this man, and fortunately, he came forward with his feelings. Our dialogue initiated a positive shift in our relational agreement field.

All too often in these situations, the offended party will independently “renegotiate” the relationship contract by simply withdrawing and lowering their expectations going forward.

Because most social contracts are not explicitly discussed, they are prone to misunderstandings, differing or conflicting expectations, even breakdowns and betrayals.

A considerable percentage of upset in relationships is a result of crossed expectations, where someone feels let down or betrayed when an agreement (often unspoken, and one that may exist only in their mind) has been broken.

It’s important to acknowledge that relationship contracts also have elements that are quite unconscious (and sometimes not very functional).

Here’s a classic example of an unconscious contract, not uncommon in long-term intimate relationships:
partner A:
“I have difficulty taking responsibility for my own life, and I will rely on your strength and wisdom to make it through. I will depend on you for this, and will be angry when you don’t provide it. But I will also resent my loss of sovereignty, and be angry with you for providing what I implicitly invite.”

partner B:
“I will take care of you. Your happiness is my responsibility and job. I will feel noble and worthy, and not have to deal with my own insecurities and lack of worth. I will judge you and feel superior, and get frustrated if you fail to take my good advice and foil my need to feel worthy by taking care of you. I subtly undermine your efforts to take responsibility because I depend on my job as caretaker.”

But even when relationships don’t carry such powerful unconscious elements, it’s very beneficial to bring more conscious attention to our agreement fields. You might think of having periodic relationship check-ins or tune-ups once a year with each person. Routine preventative maintenance for relationships, like with cars, helps prevent breakdowns and costly major repairs.

Today’s practice:
List three important social relationships whose contracts you would like to explore today.:

Relationship #1___________

Relationship #2___________

Relationship #3___________

For each one, ask the following questions. You might want to take a few notes.

1. What is our “contract?” What do I expect of them? What do they expect of me?
2. Have I ever experienced them breaking our agreement field?
3. Have they ever shared feelings that I somehow violated our agreement field?
4. Am I fully comfortable with the current set of expectations?
Is there anything I would like to consciously renegotiate?
5. Is our agreement field sufficiently clear? Would it be useful to have a direct conversation with this person about our relationship and our expectations of each other?

Our current practice>>>
For each significant context and relationship (work & personal) with which you engage today, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is the nature of our contract, stated or implied?
2. How clear are our expectations of each other?
3. Have there been insecurities, frustrations, mis-steps, inefficiencies,
or breakdowns, or due to differing expectations?
4. How comfortable am I with the current nature of our agreement field?
5. Are there areas I might like to clear up or renegotiate?

Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.