“We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.”
Abraham Lincoln
When we turn two years old, we learn a wonderful word:
“No!”
It’s an ecstatic discovery.
We learn we are separate, autonomous beings from Mother.
We learn we have a will.
We delight in saying, “No!”
Every opportunity we get.
Our “No” is actually a big “YES!.”
It’s an awesome, pure expression of our life force.
After the first cute “No” or two, our caregivers are usually less than delighted. In fact, this developmental stage has been called the “terrible twos.”
Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed.
I don’t remember my father or mothers saying”
“Oh, thank you for expressing your No so passionately!”
“I so appreciate your affirming your autonomy so directly!”
More common messages are along the lines of:
“Don’t you dare talk back!”
“Do what I tell you!”
“Shut up!”
There may be the threat—or the reality—of withdrawal of love, punishment or physical force.
Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our Nos.
We begin to resort to passive resistance, obfuscation, and manipulation or very often, actual denial of our needs.
Here we are, many years later in biological age, mostly still confused about how to say No clearly, cleanly and effectively.
Out of our fear and awkwardness, we tend to:
* withdraw and try to avoid dealing directly (perhaps denying our needs)
* accommodate (more than we really want) or
* go to the other extreme and become unskillfully belligerent
(it’s actually common to attack when insecure about our own power)
We want to learn to say “No” in a way that honors our own truth, while still staying in contact and relationship with those to whom we deliver our “No.” Our “No” need not be a weapon to bludgeon others, but a strong statement of our position in a duet dance of negotiation.
Most of our unclear commitments come from our difficulty in saying “No.”
When we wimp out of saying “No” directly we pay the costs of our needs not being met.
And when we fail to say “No” directly, we typically make other people pay the costs as we fail to deliver, or somehow make them sorry we did.
One thing that really helps us to say “No” is to remember what we’re saying “Yes” to.
Perhaps it’s “Yes” to a sustainable lifestyle.
Perhaps it’s “Yes” to a more important goal to which we’re committed.
Perhaps it’s “Yes” to our family, or our health.
Being grounded in our “Yes” gives us strength to say “No.”
Sometimes the only obstacle to overcome in saying “No” is our own internal anxieties and fears.
Other times, we must stand up to real threats—from the threat of losing our job, to loss of liberty or life in the face of threats from oppressive systems. The history of struggles for justice and freedom are highlighted by people who were willing to take courageous stands in saying “No.”
Strengthening our ability to say “No” is not at all about limiting our power. We sometimes want to make bold promises that stretch our sense of what’s possible.
Being clear about our “No’s” builds our power, capacity and available energy to fully say “Yes” to those things our heart truly desires.
For the remaining days of our practice, be very mindful of when and how you say—or don’t say—“No.” Really take this on. Experiment. Practice saying “No.” Right now. Just for fun. Savor the word.
Nooooooo!
No!
NO!
NO!
NO!
Nooooo!
The practice:
Be conscious every time you give your word.
(To yourself as well as to others.)
Keep every commitment… 100% impeccably!
For much more on the Art of No, read William Ury’s new book,
The Power of a Positive No.
Adapted from the practices of Robert Gass.
